Of Change, Embalming and Something in Between

I am currently listening to the sound of crickets and the distant hum of strange noises outside my window. When things really get bad, I tend to withdraw a little and surround myself with things that soothe my mind. They don’t ease my problems but at least for a brief moment I had the opportunity to sing my worries away.

I’m not at the moment exactly joyous but I’m not exactly suicidal either. Truly, sometimes we have to give up some things in order to gain something. Am I scared? Of course, I am.

But yet, even if my knees are shaking and my mind sometimes tend to wander into the fear of the unknown, I’m forging ahead. Why the great conviction? Because I so know this will be good for me. And I've always known that if I so feel that it's good for me, more often than not, it really is. There’s a great difference between being afraid and not doing anything and being afraid yet marching ahead. Okay, I’m with you. I have to be realistic, right? But indeed, what if I fail?

At least I’ve tried.

I think maybe Amelia Earhart, Rosa Parks or Marie Curie must have felt like this before or maybe somewhere along the way they also got the jitters. But look at these brave women, they got what they want and they've earned their place under the sun.

Failure is not like it is an end all and be all. It is such a waste of time trying to mope with the idea of what if you fail and all other things associated with the fear of the unknown. Why not try to visualize success? I kept on reminding myself that I have done so many things in life which are far much challenging than this and I came out alive and kicking.

This one will be no different.

I’m forging ahead. The only thing that can stop me right now is LBM. Loose Bowel Movement. That will be effective but no sir, my digestive system works just fine. A friend asked me whether I have already enrolled myself in an embalming class. I have repeatedly told my friends and my family that someday I might venture into funeral parlor business. Yes, I know it sounds morbid but I personally feel it’s cool when your enemies ask you the question, “So yes, what do you do?”,

I’m a professional embalmer. I can give you 50% discount.

I will be the best when it comes to state of the art embalming technology and yes as an added bonus, it gives my future boyfriend something to think of. You cheat on me, you’re dead meat. Literally.

But no, I did not enroll in any embalming course. ( Which reminds me now that none is actually offered in the Philippines. So where do they actually learn it?I'm wondering why TESDA don't offer it.) I’m leaving my place to make a new one somewhere out there beneath the pale moon light. And I repeatedly told myself that if something goes wrong, it can’t be that bad. I opt to focus on good things. I get to meet new people, new adventures, and definitely new and strange places excite my senses. I will be alone for some time but at least I get the chance to explore new places on my own. I cherish the company of good friends but being alone sometimes offers you the opportunities to ride the wind like no other.

I can get hit by lightning or stop short by the rains, but I’m happy to be soaking wet if it means I can get myself to where I really wanted to be.

I’m ready to take flight. Come hell or high water.